16 - Ally.

My gender identity has been a bit like a slow cooked meal. Everything started off raw and seemingly mismatched but over time it has blended together to form something I feel comfortable serving up to others. I remember a friend saying to me “this all seems pretty new, you weren’t talking about this last year when we met you were you?”

Nope, i didn’t have the words for it. It was always happening beneath the surface, but now I had a label. A lot of people reject the idea of labels, and I can understand not wanting to be boxed in by something. But when you’ve always felt like you weren’t in the right jar, finding a label that fits is actually quite comforting. That is until you realise no one else knows you’ve changed your label. Then its like fuck I have to come out, AGAIN.

When you come out of the homo closet people kind of know what to expect, but for me coming out as non-binary was like stepping out in an invisible coat. No one really knew what had changed. Shorter hair and a flatter chest maybe, but for the most part I still seemed the same to others. So much for a radical transition.

We love you for who you are, how you identify makes no difference to us was how my family responded. It was as equally beautiful as it was invalidating. After years in the making I was finally ready to serve my slow cooked dish, and it barely got a review. It is hard when the inside feels like its changing but the outside stays the same.

Transitioning from female to male is certainly more controversial, but also more comprehensible. You are going from one known entity to another, but when you are transitioning from female to...nothing? What even is that?

A lot of people don’t seem to understand what you want from them when you tell them you identify as non-binary. It is asking them to think outside a parameter they didn't even know had boundaries. The little things you ask don’t seem to make any sense. Like using non-gendered language such as “they/them/theirs” instead of “she/her/hers”. It is not that people are all that resistant but there is always a hesitation as their heads tick over. I’ll try is the chorus that repeats itself at the end of every conversation.

I get it. You are trying to unlearn a thousand English lessons. Unpick a concept as old as time, because time was never really given to those outside of the concept of male and female. Intersex people have always existed. Trans people have always existed. Non-binary people have always existed. Just not in any public capacity. Its a hidden concept.

We are by no means the only group of people asking for the history books to be re-written with a little more accuracy, and consideration for what really existed at the time.

Unlike being gay which you absolutely don’t need someone to identify as part of your introduction (and its super weird when they do), being non-binary does require some sort of intro. Since the majority of the world assumes you are either male or female, no matter how much you present yourself as neither or both, you need to identify yourself. Some days you only need to do it once, or not at all. They are good days. Other days you need to do it over, and over again. As if people keep forgetting your name and you need to reintroduce yourself to the same person every time you speak. Those days get a little exhausting.

It is always a gamble when you tell someone new you use ‘they/them’ pronouns. Do they know what i’m talking about? Do I have the energy to explain to this person why this is important to me? If I correct this person, are they going to get defensive? Are they going to come find me later and tell me they got it wrong and apologise? Will I have to try to appease their guilt because they didn’t mean to be disrespectful? Will I have to argue my point or will this person be open to learning something new? Is telling them going to have negative effect on me? Are they going to forget straight after I’ve said this? How many times should I remind them before I should just give up?

Some days, you can’t be bothered so you just cringe to yourself as they misgender you and go to your happy place. The best days are when someone steps in and corrects them for you. That is what it means to be an ally. Taking some of the weight. Bearing some of the responsibility. Not assuming anything. I am grateful for the allies in my life. I hope through this blog I can create more.